Here I am, on the 4th of June…and I have just handed in my dissertation. This is the hardest I have ever worked on an academic piece. It’s a years worth of hard work. Hours poring over my laptop, endless research, reading, editing and a good 5+ breakdowns of me saying ‘I can’t do it’. Well, I did do it. I’ll be honest, and say it was not easy. But we got there in the end. Getting there, however, was an experience I shall never forget…
The night before handing it in, I emailed my dissertation tutor to say thank you for her tireless help and constructive criticism. Her response moved me to tears and made me far more emotional than I could have anticipated. She told me she was proud. Of me, the person I’d become over the three years she had known me, of how much she had seen my dissertation improve and of all I had, and she was sure I was going to go on and achieve.
Throughout my entire education journey (for want of a better word), I’ve tried my absolute hardest with my academic work, however, it felt that no matter how hard I tried, how much work I put in, how much I loved and cared about the subjects…it never seemed to pay off or get me anywhere.
Let’s start by talking about school. Specifically, my GCSE’s. I actually rather enjoyed school. English, history and drama were my favourite subjects and I loved reading the material, writing the essays, analysing texts. English Literature introduced me to ‘An Inspector Calls’, ‘Of Mice and Men’, ‘The Taming of The Shrew’ – texts I still love reading even now. Sadly, my grades didn’t reflect the love and hard work I put in. The reason for this, I cannot tell you because I genuinely do not know. I do know, however, when I was predicted D’s for my English literature and English Language, and then I got B’s for my exams on results day: I felt, for the first time, a sense of pride. I’d worked hard for a subject I was passionate about and it paid off. Needless to say, this didn’t happen for the other subjects I was so passionate about, and that was disheartening, but I still passed and for me, that was better than a kick in the teeth.
Next up was college. Where I got to choose to study subjects I was passionate about! The two I’m going to focus on here are English Literature and Ancient History A Levels. In English Literature, I found myself studying books and poems I came to love – ‘The Picture of Dorian Gray’ and ‘King Lear’ as just two examples. I had never been able to study ancient history as an academic subject before, so finally having the chance to do so was amazing. My teachers for ancient history were passionate about what they taught and that in turn made me even more passionate about learning the content. Studying ancient history even included a trip to Italy where I got to visit the genuine sites of Pompeii and Herculaneum, what more could an ancient history nerd want?
Well before I even finished my two-year studies at this college, I had a tutor who…let’s say he didn’t have the highest hopes for me. I remember when the time came to apply to universities, he told me very honestly to my face that he thought I simply wasn’t good enough or academically capable enough to get into university, and I would be much better off going into work. At the time, because I didn’t have a backbone and he was my teacher and tutor – someone I was supposed to take guidance from, I just said I would think about my other options. Inside, I felt crushed, believing he was right and I was simply not smart enough to go to university and that was that.
I completed college, sadly once again I had poured hours of work into my exams and coursework, but my passion for the subjects wasn’t reflected in my grades. I passed all my subjects, and again, it’s better than a kick in the teeth, but I couldn’t help but feel disheartened and that maybe my tutor was right. I also now didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. Of course, I loved the subjects I had taken, but what I would do with them as a career, I wasn’t sure. So I decided to take another 2 years, go to another college, try an entirely different course, and see where that took me.
Cue me undertaking a medical science course. This course was 100% coursework and covered a subject area completely different to what I had been studying for the past 2 years, but I loved just as much. I got to study a subject I adored and that actually led to my degree and pursuit of my nursing career.
The time came around again where I had decided I knew what I wanted to study at university. I applied to 5 universities, 3 optimistic ones, one of which was a dream university for this course and I knew was being unrealistic, and then 2 more realistic choices considering my grades up to this point.
This was the first time where my grades seemed to start to improve. Whether that was the last years of education finally paying off, or just a change in grading, I don’t know. Granted, my grades still weren’t outstanding and I still felt frustration at myself for not being good enough…but I could see improvement, and that was a glimmer of hope for me.
And then I got the biggest shock that I would never have anticipated. One of the optimistic universities turned me down; I was slightly disappointed but had expected this. One of the universities I turned down because it didn’t feel right for me. The other 3 universities offered me a place. The dream university I had applied for, unrealistically…offered me an unconditional offer.
I finished college with the best grades so far to this point and headed off to the university. I had a constant thought in the back of my head that ‘they’re going to email me…they’re going to find out I’m actually not good enough…they’re going to tell me there’s been a mistake and they didn’t mean to let me in…’. No email ever came. I couldn’t believe it. I had worked tirelessly for years and it finally paid off. I was going to one of the top universities for my degree subject. Maybe I was good enough. Maybe I was smart after all. Maybe this could be my chance to prove my previous tutor, and everyone who had doubted me wrong.
University went by and I managed to keep my grades up to an average standard. I wasn’t doing badly, I wasn’t doing outstanding…I was just doing. But considering in the past I’d been struggling to get my hard work and enthusiasm to pay off, and I’d have to re-exams somewhat frequently, I found this alone a huge achievement for me. In fact, university is the one area of education where I have had to re-do coursework and exams the least, and every time I get a grade, I’m left shocked at how well I have actually done because I’m so used to being disappointed and frustrated in myself.
Fast forward to now. Back to the start of this post. My dissertation tutor telling me she is proud. I think a lot about my tutor from my first college. How instead of suggesting ways I could improve academically or offering different options to university or anything constructive, he just shut me down. But I’ve thought about his words a lot since my dissertation tutor’s email. Because I proved him wrong…I didn’t just get into university. I got into one of the best universities for my course, I got the best grades I’ve ever got academically, I’ve improved more than I ever thought I could.
I haven’t forgotten what my tutor said to me back at college, and I doubt I ever will. But more importantly. I know for sure I will never forget what my dissertation tutor wrote to me. Sure, it means a lot when friends and family say they are proud of you. But it means SO much to have had the tutor of the biggest piece of academic work I’ve ever done say that to me. Because it feels like all the years of education, all the hard work, the tears, the doubting myself, the not giving up and determination. It feels like finally, I’ve proven it. I am smart, I am capable, I can do it. It feels like finally, I did belong at university and I am good enough.
I didn’t really have a purpose when I started writing this post. I was feeling emotional and just wanted to get my words out there. I know this whole post sounds like a cliche, and if someone had said these same things to me a few years ago, I’d have thought the same things. But I guess, I’m proof it’s true. People doubted me, didn’t’ think I could do it, and for a while, I didn’t even think I could do it. Yet here I am about to graduate.
I suppose the point I am trying to make is this: If someone – especially someone who is meant to support you – puts you down, says you can’t do it and tries to stop you..do it anyway. Prove them wrong. Ignore the self-doubt, the disappointment, the frustration. Work hard to get where you want to be. You are more than capable, and you can do anything you set your mind to. You just have to want it enough and be willing to not give up and put the time and work in. So if you want to do something: do it. And don’t let anyone stop you.
One Show at a Time 