I miss it

So here it is. My first post in a fair while. A bit of a different post today. Ironically, I thought lockdown would be the perfect time to write loads…but to be completely honest, I’ve got 5 blog posts in my drafts folder, but my writing hasn’t felt good enough to post, which is why it’s been a bit quiet lately.

Actually, this post started off as a tweet, but then what I wanted to say would never fit into one tweet alone and I felt if I separated it and made it into a long thread, it wouldn’t be the same. So here this post is instead.

Like many others, I miss the normality of life…and a rather large part of my life was theatre. Reviewing specifically. Today I was hit with a wave of sadness as I realised just how much I miss theatre reviewing, which is what inspired me to write this below…

I miss theatre reviewing. I miss going to new theatres, seeing new shows, some I’d never even heard of. I miss sometimes not knowing what to expect, going in blind and being completely blown away. I miss going to shows I’d heard of and had been waiting for the day I’ll see them. I miss going to highly anticipated shows and feeling so thankful, lucky and honoured that little old me was being given the opportunity to see and review it. I miss choosing a press night outfit perfect for the show and venue and the size of the event. I miss going to the theatre and finding the press desk, or picking up a ticket under the website’s name. I miss talking to my editor, sharing the excitement with her. I miss walking into the theatre and feeling like a fraud, thinking I stick out like a sore thumb, because ‘what did I do to deserve to be here? What makes me qualified for this?’

I miss taking friends with me and getting to share the press night fun with them. I miss seeing friends at the shows unexpectedly and getting excited to see someone I know – especially if I’m feeling like more of a fraud than usual that night. I miss people-watching if I am alone. Seeing everyone excitedly catching up with old friends and colleagues, chatting about the show they’re about to see. I miss messaging my friends, giving them updates over the evening, sharing it all with them even if they can’t be there with me. I miss the excitement building as I take my seat, and I ready myself to not only watch a show, but to watch it knowing I’d have to write about it. I miss frantically making as many notes as I can in the interval.

I miss talking to people I’d never spoken to before, during and after the show, and then finding out sometimes they wrote for my favourite theatre reviewing pages. I miss thinking ‘wow, they started off as a theatre fan like me, and now look…that could be me one day’. I miss seeing the cast give their all on stage, on press nights especially. I miss the way theatre makes me feel. I miss how it can transport someone to another time, place, even world. I miss getting lost in what’s happening on stage, like the real and outside world doesn’t matter and disappears for a few hours. I miss feeling so inspired by press nights, thinking that one show has the power to bring all these people in a room together, all for the same reason. I miss thinking, ‘the words I write might actually have an impact – be that big or small. The review I write could help someone decide whether to see this show or not, or inspire others to write too’. I miss the show finishing and if the theatre has a foyer, writing as much of the review there as I can – whilst the show is still fresh in my mind. If not, I’d write as much as I could on the journey home. I miss staying awake as late as it takes to get the review done. I miss the thrill and feelings of pride when the review is published, and I see it on the website and social media with my name. I miss the pride knowing I work hard on every review I do, and I’m genuinely proud of every single one of them. I miss sharing it with everyone, wanting to share my work because – ‘hey! I did this!’

I miss my editor sending me shows, asking if I want to cover any of them, and me wanting to say ‘Yes! I want to cover each and every show!’ but knowing that’s simply not feasible, and instead being sensible and responding with the shows I actually can cover. I miss writing the dates, times, shows and venues in my diary, fooling myself into thinking I’m professional, when really…I’m just little old me. I miss reading any information I get sent beforehand, having it build my excitement for what’s to come. I miss researching my route there and back for a new venue, and looking forward to exploring a new part of London and a new theatre I’d somehow not been to yet.

And then the cycle starts all over again. I miss it all, so much sometimes it physically hurts. But I know when it all starts all over again, it will be the sweetest feeling in the world and make every day I’ve waited for the return worth every second.

*If anyone wants to have a look, I write reviews for ‘Dress Circle Antics’. Their website is can be found here, and the social media is all under the same name. If you read anything, I would genuinely love to hear your thoughts.*

Stay as healthy and happy as you all possibly can.

Sending love to every single one of you. We’ll get through this.